Straight Questions

Coming out to your friends and family, those closest to you, is always very difficult. I was thinking today about how I came out to them and the questions they asked. It seemed like most of my friends had the same set of questions which is curious to me. It makes me wonder if all straight people wonder about the same things when it comes to gays. I have talked in depth with a few of my closest friends about what it is like to be gay and how I knew. Here are some of the most asked questions and my answers:

Q: When did you know you were gay?

A: This question was very curious to me when I was first asked and I think that was because I couldn't put a date on it. I think I have always known. I can remember being very little and feeling different. I did not play with boys. I always wanted to be where the girls were. Anytime I played house in my early elementary school years I was the dad. I didn't really think too much of this until I started writing in college. Now, it just makes me laugh. I guess I have always felt better fulfilling that role. I honestly believe I was born this way. I was born gay. I'm not sure if there is actually a lesbian gene and there are a lot of other theories out there. I just believe I have always been gay.

Q: How does being attracted to girls work?

A: Yes. My best friend did indeed ask me this. After I contained my laughter, I gave her an answer. It took me a little while to understand why she would ask this but then I realized my best friend is possibly the straightest person I have ever met. She has no concept of being gay just like I have no concept of being straight. SO...here is my answer: It works the same way as is does being attracted to guys. When you check out a guy walking down the street I do the same to the girl walking next to him. It is really no different.

Q: Are you happy?

A: This question was the easiest for me to answer. When I came out to my friends and accepted myself for who I really am I was very happy. I am happy being true to myself. It is not always easy to be gay and deal with this lifestyle and all of the stereotypes and misconceptions but I would not be happy any other way. When I accepted myself a peace came over me and I am a much happier person because of it.

Q: Does that mean you always faked it with a guy?

A: This question is difficult for me to answer. There was a time in my life that men made me happy. I was nearly engaged once. However, every time I was with a guy a certain portion of my feelings were forced. I ALWAYS tried too hard to be happy with men. Sexually, I never felt good being with guys. Giving head always felt unnatural to me. I never really had any physical chemistry with any guy I tried to be with. I really think I just didn't know any better because I had never been with a girl. (The first time I was with a girl was the most natural thing I have ever done by the way.) I am what you might call a "gold star" lesbian. I have never actually had intercourse with a guy. It's not that I never had the opportunity either; I simply just couldn't do it. At that moment when it was up to me to say yes or no I always had a knee jerk reaction that caused me to say no. I could not let myself have sex with a guy. I always said I wasn't ready. It's not that I ever faked it with a guy because I have had genuine feelings for guys; it's just that I was never content with a guy. I could never be happy forever or stay interested long enough to make a commitment.

mama is scared

So I came out to my mom about four months ago. When I told her she was surprised but very supportive. I am very lucky when it comes to being out with my family. They are very understanding and open-minded, but that is not my topic today.

Today I want to talk about my mom. About a month after I told her I came home with a baseball cap on. Now, it is pretty common for me to wear a hat when I am away at school so when I went home I didn't really think to much of it. Shortly after I got home she told me that I looked like a boy with a hat on, to which I protested greatly. I explained that I have a girl's body type and no one is going to mistake me for a boy just because my hair is short and I wear baseball caps. Since then, every time I go home she lectures me about how she would like me to grow my hair back out and if I am going to wear hats my hair needs to stick out from under the hat at least a little and so on. Now, I do admit my hair is very short, but I didn't pick this hairstyle because it makes me look gay or butch. I picked it because it is very easy to manage and I am a low maintenance girl; plus it looks good on me. Every weekend I go home she makes a comment about my hair and every time she does I just drop the issue quickly. Then, she did something new. I had to go to Walmart to buy pants for work. I was discussing what kind of pants I wanted to get and had said that I might need to buy guy's pants. The reason for this is because most girls pants don't have deep pockets and seeing as how I don't carry a purse and can't at work I want pants with deep pockets so I can carry my car keys etc. When I was about to head out she handed me her credit card and told me to "make good choices." I just sort of laughed and told her I wouldn't spend too much and I would pay her back. She then told me that was not what she meant and that she didn't need to be payed back. I just okay and walked out the door. On my way to the store I couldn't stop thinking about her comment. Then, I realized she meant she didn't want me buying guy's pants. I just chuckled in the car to myself and found a pair of girls pants that would work (although they didn't have deep pockets like I wanted). This all came to a head last weekend when I was in the bathroom doing my hair. My mom came in so we could chat. She began to prod me about growing my hair out once again. I turned and told her that I was still playing with my hair and I really liked it the way it is. She then told me that the way it is, it makes me look butch. I couldn't help but laugh. I told her that it was nothing close to butch. My hair is not faux hawked. It is not buzzed short or spiked or in any way the typical butchy hair. She told me that that is what it looked like on me and asked me to please grow it out. I told her that this was the way I liked it.

So now that I have told you the background here is my issue: why is my mom so afraid of me being butch? Every time I appear mildly dikey she freaks out. I think she is so scared that I will turn into a boy or something. I know she is still trying to come to terms with my sexuality. Very often she is over supportive which can be very awkward for me but at least she is trying. I just don;t get what is so scary about being butch. I do not consider myself to be butch. If anything I am an in between lesbian. I do not quite fit into any of the common labels in the lesbian community. I am not a lipstick lesbian for sure. I am not butch manpower by any stretch of the imagination. I am closer to femme but not quite that either. I have never been girly. I played soccer growing up. I was always outside playing in the dirt. I have my moments where I want to dress up and be as girly as I am capable of being but those are very rare. I am just me.

So why is my mom so afraid of me becoming butch? Is it because she is afraid of what people will think or does she just desperately want me to remain as girly as possible?

My Faith

I think one of my most difficult struggles is reconciling my belief in God and my sexual orientation. I know that most gays are more spiritual than Christian because it is too difficult to deal with both beliefs. But I refuse to give up the belief that I have had all of my life because society and church and religion tell me that it is wrong. I know who I am. I am a woman of contradictions but these contradictions make me who I am. The following is a thought I had recently on my faith:

Personally I would rather keep the faith I have than have no faith at all. There are days I cling to my faith, hoping that I will find a way to reconcile the two contradictions of my life. I am a sinner and to some I have no right to believe in God unless I change my ways. But the way I see it I would rather hold on than raise my kids in an unchristian home. I want the same life I had for my kids. I want them to know and love God and I know that the basis for that is my faith. I must be an example and show them how to be a good Christian. I may not fit the definition perfectly but I am a woman of many contradictions. I have always believed in God and had a strong faith. I am on my way to being a doctor, a scientist if you will, which requires me to accept the beliefs of science, many of which go against the teachings in the bible. And lastly, I am a lesbian. This last contradiction is by far the most difficult for people, including myself, to see past when it comes to believing in God. The thing that I sit here wondering is if there is a way to be both and to have both. I want to keep my faith but I also know I am gay and that will never change. I am very comfortable with who I am and I am slowly becoming more comfortable in church. I'm not sure I will ever be able to walk into a church and not think should I be here but maybe that will change in time. The feeling I hate the most is guilt. I feel guilty when I pray. After coming out and accepting myself, it took me a long time to be able to pray again. I thought it was wrong of me to pray to God when I wake up everyday willfully and knowingly sinning. I still struggle with my faith. Some days it is difficult for me to face God.

But...

There are a few things that I have come to realize that help me out.

1. I am a sinner and so is everyone else.

2. No one sin is greater than another. I am not going to a deeper level of hell because I am gay.

3. God still loves me.

Now, there are many that would quibble with me about how wrong it is to be gay and how I am an abomination in the eyes of God. Here is what I have to say to them. I am a child of God. I was made by Him and put on this Earth for a purpose. I do not want to say that God made me gay, but I do believe I was born this way. I cannot remember a time in my life when I did not have a strong faith in God and when I did not have and attraction to women. I believe both are ingrained into me. They are a part of my being, pieces of my very soul.

So here is the question I pose to you: Is there a way of reconciling being gay and a Christian?

The beginning

Hello! So I just wanted to start this out by telling you who I am and why I am writing this blog.

I am a student living in middle america, commonly referred to as the bible belt. I am on my way to a professional career. I am also a lesbian. This is perhaps the most defining aspect of my life. Otherwise, I am just an average twenty something. I'm keeping this description simple for now because as I write more will be revealed about me.

I am writing this to simply get things off my chest and possibly be heard. What young person doesn't want to be heard?I don't necessarily expect people to read this, although I hope someone does. I just want an outlet and this seemed like the best place for my thoughts. I suppose it is also possible that something I say might help someone out or at least get someone to think.