Today I want to talk about my mom. About a month after I told her I came home with a baseball cap on. Now, it is pretty common for me to wear a hat when I am away at school so when I went home I didn't really think to much of it. Shortly after I got home she told me that I looked like a boy with a hat on, to which I protested greatly. I explained that I have a girl's body type and no one is going to mistake me for a boy just because my hair is short and I wear baseball caps. Since then, every time I go home she lectures me about how she would like me to grow my hair back out and if I am going to wear hats my hair needs to stick out from under the hat at least a little and so on. Now, I do admit my hair is very short, but I didn't pick this hairstyle because it makes me look gay or butch. I picked it because it is very easy to manage and I am a low maintenance girl; plus it looks good on me. Every weekend I go home she makes a comment about my hair and every time she does I just drop the issue quickly. Then, she did something new. I had to go to Walmart to buy pants for work. I was discussing what kind of pants I wanted to get and had said that I might need to buy guy's pants. The reason for this is because most girls pants don't have deep pockets and seeing as how I don't carry a purse and can't at work I want pants with deep pockets so I can carry my car keys etc. When I was about to head out she handed me her credit card and told me to "make good choices." I just sort of laughed and told her I wouldn't spend too much and I would pay her back. She then told me that was not what she meant and that she didn't need to be payed back. I just okay and walked out the door. On my way to the store I couldn't stop thinking about her comment. Then, I realized she meant she didn't want me buying guy's pants. I just chuckled in the car to myself and found a pair of girls pants that would work (although they didn't have deep pockets like I wanted). This all came to a head last weekend when I was in the bathroom doing my hair. My mom came in so we could chat. She began to prod me about growing my hair out once again. I turned and told her that I was still playing with my hair and I really liked it the way it is. She then told me that the way it is, it makes me look butch. I couldn't help but laugh. I told her that it was nothing close to butch. My hair is not faux hawked. It is not buzzed short or spiked or in any way the typical butchy hair. She told me that that is what it looked like on me and asked me to please grow it out. I told her that this was the way I liked it.
So now that I have told you the background here is my issue: why is my mom so afraid of me being butch? Every time I appear mildly dikey she freaks out. I think she is so scared that I will turn into a boy or something. I know she is still trying to come to terms with my sexuality. Very often she is over supportive which can be very awkward for me but at least she is trying. I just don;t get what is so scary about being butch. I do not consider myself to be butch. If anything I am an in between lesbian. I do not quite fit into any of the common labels in the lesbian community. I am not a lipstick lesbian for sure. I am not butch manpower by any stretch of the imagination. I am closer to femme but not quite that either. I have never been girly. I played soccer growing up. I was always outside playing in the dirt. I have my moments where I want to dress up and be as girly as I am capable of being but those are very rare. I am just me.
So why is my mom so afraid of me becoming butch? Is it because she is afraid of what people will think or does she just desperately want me to remain as girly as possible?
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