Her

Just when I thought I was through with her she came roaring back into my life. Why can't I shake her off or at least shake the hold she has on me? I thought I had freed myself from her grasp, but tonight I realized I haven't. Maybe I shouldn't spend time with her. I haven't in awhile. There was something different about her tonight. The usual tension seemed to be gone. We were able to joke and laugh again. It felt like how we used to be. Maybe I am just being naive.

She was the first girl that made me feel strong and confident. I knew my place and I knew she would let me take care of her. She really began my transformation into being this person. I admit I like the guy role. I like to be the protector and the provider. I like to be the one that is curled up on. I like to be "in charge" so to speak, even though I know I am not really in charge, you never can be when a woman is involved. My point is she encouraged that role and it made me feel good to have someone who wanted that from me.

The problem is I was her first. That was both my mistake and my great fortune. Perhaps I pushed her. Maybe I should have kept myself under control and not kissed her that day. There are a lot of maybes, but I don't regret jumping off that bridge. I don't regret the way we made each other feel during those first few days. I regret confusing her. I regret adding more stress to her life. Eventually, I learned to back off. I'm not sure what to do now.

Tonight she told me things. She told me she misses me. She thinks about me when she wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night. She also said she doesn't want to hurt me anymore than she already has. She did indeed hurt me then. That is the biggest reason I cannot understand why I feel such a strong pull to her. When I was with her tonight it took everything in my power not to just hold her hand. I just needed to touch her. Any small touch would do, but I knew I couldn't because it would have left me wanting more. My chest felt tight and it got hard to breath. I could feel my heart pulling away from my chest. It wanted to be near her so badly. I hate that she makes me feel this way. I love that she makes me feel this way. I am unsure if I should just run as fast as possible in the other direction or if I should stand strong and see what happens. I hate how strong my emotions are for her. I thought they had finally gone away. Apparently not....