Her

Just when I thought I was through with her she came roaring back into my life. Why can't I shake her off or at least shake the hold she has on me? I thought I had freed myself from her grasp, but tonight I realized I haven't. Maybe I shouldn't spend time with her. I haven't in awhile. There was something different about her tonight. The usual tension seemed to be gone. We were able to joke and laugh again. It felt like how we used to be. Maybe I am just being naive.

She was the first girl that made me feel strong and confident. I knew my place and I knew she would let me take care of her. She really began my transformation into being this person. I admit I like the guy role. I like to be the protector and the provider. I like to be the one that is curled up on. I like to be "in charge" so to speak, even though I know I am not really in charge, you never can be when a woman is involved. My point is she encouraged that role and it made me feel good to have someone who wanted that from me.

The problem is I was her first. That was both my mistake and my great fortune. Perhaps I pushed her. Maybe I should have kept myself under control and not kissed her that day. There are a lot of maybes, but I don't regret jumping off that bridge. I don't regret the way we made each other feel during those first few days. I regret confusing her. I regret adding more stress to her life. Eventually, I learned to back off. I'm not sure what to do now.

Tonight she told me things. She told me she misses me. She thinks about me when she wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night. She also said she doesn't want to hurt me anymore than she already has. She did indeed hurt me then. That is the biggest reason I cannot understand why I feel such a strong pull to her. When I was with her tonight it took everything in my power not to just hold her hand. I just needed to touch her. Any small touch would do, but I knew I couldn't because it would have left me wanting more. My chest felt tight and it got hard to breath. I could feel my heart pulling away from my chest. It wanted to be near her so badly. I hate that she makes me feel this way. I love that she makes me feel this way. I am unsure if I should just run as fast as possible in the other direction or if I should stand strong and see what happens. I hate how strong my emotions are for her. I thought they had finally gone away. Apparently not....

Sensitivity

Today, I was confronted with something I had not experienced before. I was picking up trash at my work and from above I hear "hey homo." I looked up and saw a large crowd of teens on a raised walkway. I kept walking then I heard it again followed by something flying by me. I never saw what it was but I figured it was trash or spit. This incident angered me, but not enough to do something about it. I am not sure what I could of done since I didn't see the person or people who actually yelled. But I was definitely irritated. I can't believe someone would be that insensitive. I kept walking from where I was and as I walked I thought more about it. I began to wonder if I would have been more offended if I was straight. As a gay person, I was disturbed that someone would just yell hey homo; if I were straight I probably would have been bothered by the fact that someone called me gay. I would have to say I would have been equally offended either way. What really got me is that these kids just threw that word out there and meant in a derogatory way. It was no big deal to them to just yell and possibly spit at another human being. I forget how taboo being gay is when you are in your early teens. Most often it is looked down upon, especially by boys. So they feel the need to throw words like homo, gay, fag, etc. to make other people feel bad. I've never really been offended before by the phrase "That's so gay." It has become a part of the vernacular of most teens to twenty-somethings. But now I have a different perspective. It took time for me to realize that this term is just plain rude. I'm not going to preach about it though because I even catch myself saying it sometimes; however, it is almost always in reference to something stereotypically gay a lesbian friend of mine does or says. I don't want to sound hypocritical. I just want to explain both sides of that issue. Kids these days are raised with such different standards than I was. I would have never called someone a homo publicly, even if I was thinking it. It seems odd to me because I was their age only seven years ago. Could the world have really changed that much in seven years? Apparently so. Part of the problem is that kids aren't raised to know any better. A lot of adults in the south and homophobic or at least anti-gay and that feeling rubs off on their kids. This creates environments of hate and teaches kids it's okay to be discriminatory. I guess it is the die hard patriot in me that still believes in the land of the free.

Caught Red-Handed

It seems to me that most of the people that are so publicly anti-gay are the ones caught with their pants down, so to speak, in a very gay situation. Today, I was reading about Reverend George Rekers. Yes I did say reverend. He is about as right wing as you can get. He doesn't believe that gays should be able to adopt and has even testified as an "expert" witness in adoption cases in both Arkansas and Florida. He also heads up the National Association of Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH). All I can say to that title is WOW! Rekers is accused of hiring a male prostitute from rentboy.com to lift his luggage on his recent trip to I for get where. Naturally a right wing bigot would hire a male prostitute to be his luggage lifter (oh the innuendo that I could spin off of that statement.) I continue to be amazed that the most bigoted people in the country are the ones who seem to have something to hide. They are so ashamed of their sins that they come out the strongest against them. The excuses that these people, mostly men it seems, come up with make me laugh. "I didn't know he was a hustler until midway through the trip." Really? You are a very important political figure and the assistant that hired your luggage boy didn't bother to make sure he wasn't a prostitute? Perhaps someone was just playing a cruel joke on the reverend. Or maybe the reverend has some inner demons of his own to wrestle with. I just wonder why these people that are so anti-gay, banging their bibles on their pulpits and screaming at the top of their lungs that gays should have no rights always seem to be the ones that get caught in places they really shouldn't be i.e. gay bars, with male prostitutes, you know the usual. Any thoughts?

ODD

Let me tell you a story. My mom is a teacher and she is also very liberal. One of the teachers she works with is VERY conservative, lets called her Q. She asked my mom one day just how liberal she was. My mother replied with well I have a lesbian daughter. Then Q started asking my mother if she was worried about me going to hell and all that. My mom said no that she is very proud of her daughter, etc. My mom came home from school and told me this story and I just laughed. I got the impression that Q is one of the staunch, slightly homophobic conservatives and I told my mother I would really like to meet her. My mom wasn't so sure that was a good idea. A few weeks later I was up at my mom's school doing some volunteering and a woman walked up to me and asked if I was her daughter. I said yes I was and she said that she had been looking forward to meeting me. I was a bit confused as to who this woman was until she introduced herself. It was Q! I then got a huge grin on my face and shook her hand. That was about the extent of the exchange between Q and I, but it got me thinking. I'm not sure what Q expected when she first saw me. I honestly think she expected me to be some big butch with lesbian tattooed on my forehead.

I got the impression from Q that I was the first gay person she had ever met. She seemed a little surprised that I seemed like a regular 20 year old college student. It really did make me chuckle inside. Why are gays such an oddity to so many people? When Q first looked at me it was like I was an alien from another planet. Being gay is becoming so mainstream these days. This is my reality, my normal. The look on Q's face made me realize how foreign gay people are to her and so many others. This is a side effect of living in the bible belt, where if you are gay you are generally not out of the closet. This is a sad state of affairs. I refuse to live that way. I have fought too long and too hard with my inner demons to just be shoved right back into that awful closet. I am no different than anyone else. I was brought up in good southern democratic home. I was taught southern values and a particular way of life. Yet, many people I meet are taken aback or are made uncomfortable by my gayness. Why is my normal so unusual to many of the adults in my area? I think the only way to fix this is awareness. Many older people in my state have never met a gay person. They have the old world belief that being gay is a disease or just simply wrong. I can tell you that is is NOT a disease or else many of my straight friends would be gay by now. Haha! As to the belief that being gay is wrong I could turn that around and say being straight is wrong. Being straight is most of the world's reality. Being gay is my reality. I simply choose to accept both realities and I learned to make these co-mingle. I wish more straight people would think this way. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I did not choose to be this way. Let me propose this question. Did you (a straight person) choose to be straight? Did you wake up one day and say hey I am going to be straight from this moment on? I don't think you woke up one day when you were about four years old and consciously thought I am going to chase the opposite sex on the playground today. This is my normal and always has been. So why is this so odd to you straight people? Well of course I have an opinion on this too. I think it is because you have no concept of what it is like to have feelings for the same sex. Think about this: I have no concept of what it is like to have feelings for the opposite sex. Think on that for a little while and tell me how odd I am!

My Year

So much has happened this year and it has finally come to a close. (At this point in my life I still think in school years.) Today was my last final, my dorm room is packed, and I will be on my way home very soon to enjoy a, hopefully, relaxing summer. For now, I am sitting here pondering this year. I have overcome so much and became a whole person again.

I had a lot of firsts this year. I had my first girlfriend, my first one night stand, and my first serious heart break. I now realize that my first girl wasn't ever going to be my last one. She was not right for me. She was just simply my first. She was my first serious heart break too. She hurt me in a way that I couldn't imagine. I believe I am stronger for it now. She taught me a lot about myself and about what I want in a woman.

I came out to my family and surprisingly they are very supportive. As I look back now I wonder why I was so surprised. My family members are some of the most liberal, open minded people I know. It kind of makes me laugh thinking about it now.

I lost some friends and gained others. I gained a best friend in an unlikely person.

I made mistakes and learned from them. I learned a lot about myself too. I learned that I am confident, slightly cocky even. I can give respect and take it away.

I went to church for the first time in two years. I learned that it is possible for me to believe in God, not that I ever stopped. I guess I really learned to not feel guilty when I worship God.

That is this year in a nut shell.

I am not just your lesbian friend!

This drives me crazy! People who think I have changed just because I am gay bug me. This was one of my biggest problems when I started coming out to my friends. One minute I am just me; I am the person they have known and loved for a long time. The next minute I'm gay and for some reason that makes me a completely different person. I had several friends do this to me when I came out to them and unfortunately we are not that great of friends anymore. This makes me sad because I am the same person. Being gay did not change my personality dramatically. If anything, accepting myself made me a happier person. I began to love myself for the first time in my life and I finally had confidence in who I am. The only difference between who I was before I told them and who I am after is that I happen to love women. I am the same person. My personality and identity did not change just because I came out. I am a person who just happens to be gay. This is just another detail in my life. Being gay can be equated to something as small as my job title. I am exactly who I want to be. Being lesbian is my sexual orientation and nothing else. Straight people don't introduce their friends as this is so-and-so, my straight friend. I sure as hell don't introduce my straight friends that way, but for some reason some of my friends insist upon introducing me that way. Do they even consider what awkward position that puts me in when I am meeting someone for the first time? It's like being gay is the only important detail other people need to know about me.

Is it a choice?

I know I wrote about questions in my last post but I thought this particular question deserved special attention. I have been asked once or twice if being gay is a choice. There are many that believe it is, usually the right wingers who are fundamentally antigay. I would have to disagree.

My first instinct is to wholeheartedly yell at the top of my lungs that it is not a choice. I have talked to many gays and lesbians as my own sort of research project and they all agree that they did not choose to be this way. I did not wake up one day and say I'm going to be gay today. I have felt different since I was very young. I really cannot remember a time when I did not feel the need to be a bit masculine. That is my identity. I believe it is this way for many gays. We all seem to have the same reaction to this question. Believe me, if I had gotten to choose I probably would've chosen to be straight because it is a hell of a lot easier than being gay, but I like who I am. All of my feelings, emotions, and attractions since I was very young have been toward women. I have always been more comfortable and felt more natural being around and with women. Loving women is just my nature. I know that many lesbians would agree with this too. It is just unnatural for many of us to be with men. We did not choose to be gay because we think it is "cool." This is not a political statement for me. It is simply who and what I was born to be.

Straight Questions

Coming out to your friends and family, those closest to you, is always very difficult. I was thinking today about how I came out to them and the questions they asked. It seemed like most of my friends had the same set of questions which is curious to me. It makes me wonder if all straight people wonder about the same things when it comes to gays. I have talked in depth with a few of my closest friends about what it is like to be gay and how I knew. Here are some of the most asked questions and my answers:

Q: When did you know you were gay?

A: This question was very curious to me when I was first asked and I think that was because I couldn't put a date on it. I think I have always known. I can remember being very little and feeling different. I did not play with boys. I always wanted to be where the girls were. Anytime I played house in my early elementary school years I was the dad. I didn't really think too much of this until I started writing in college. Now, it just makes me laugh. I guess I have always felt better fulfilling that role. I honestly believe I was born this way. I was born gay. I'm not sure if there is actually a lesbian gene and there are a lot of other theories out there. I just believe I have always been gay.

Q: How does being attracted to girls work?

A: Yes. My best friend did indeed ask me this. After I contained my laughter, I gave her an answer. It took me a little while to understand why she would ask this but then I realized my best friend is possibly the straightest person I have ever met. She has no concept of being gay just like I have no concept of being straight. SO...here is my answer: It works the same way as is does being attracted to guys. When you check out a guy walking down the street I do the same to the girl walking next to him. It is really no different.

Q: Are you happy?

A: This question was the easiest for me to answer. When I came out to my friends and accepted myself for who I really am I was very happy. I am happy being true to myself. It is not always easy to be gay and deal with this lifestyle and all of the stereotypes and misconceptions but I would not be happy any other way. When I accepted myself a peace came over me and I am a much happier person because of it.

Q: Does that mean you always faked it with a guy?

A: This question is difficult for me to answer. There was a time in my life that men made me happy. I was nearly engaged once. However, every time I was with a guy a certain portion of my feelings were forced. I ALWAYS tried too hard to be happy with men. Sexually, I never felt good being with guys. Giving head always felt unnatural to me. I never really had any physical chemistry with any guy I tried to be with. I really think I just didn't know any better because I had never been with a girl. (The first time I was with a girl was the most natural thing I have ever done by the way.) I am what you might call a "gold star" lesbian. I have never actually had intercourse with a guy. It's not that I never had the opportunity either; I simply just couldn't do it. At that moment when it was up to me to say yes or no I always had a knee jerk reaction that caused me to say no. I could not let myself have sex with a guy. I always said I wasn't ready. It's not that I ever faked it with a guy because I have had genuine feelings for guys; it's just that I was never content with a guy. I could never be happy forever or stay interested long enough to make a commitment.

mama is scared

So I came out to my mom about four months ago. When I told her she was surprised but very supportive. I am very lucky when it comes to being out with my family. They are very understanding and open-minded, but that is not my topic today.

Today I want to talk about my mom. About a month after I told her I came home with a baseball cap on. Now, it is pretty common for me to wear a hat when I am away at school so when I went home I didn't really think to much of it. Shortly after I got home she told me that I looked like a boy with a hat on, to which I protested greatly. I explained that I have a girl's body type and no one is going to mistake me for a boy just because my hair is short and I wear baseball caps. Since then, every time I go home she lectures me about how she would like me to grow my hair back out and if I am going to wear hats my hair needs to stick out from under the hat at least a little and so on. Now, I do admit my hair is very short, but I didn't pick this hairstyle because it makes me look gay or butch. I picked it because it is very easy to manage and I am a low maintenance girl; plus it looks good on me. Every weekend I go home she makes a comment about my hair and every time she does I just drop the issue quickly. Then, she did something new. I had to go to Walmart to buy pants for work. I was discussing what kind of pants I wanted to get and had said that I might need to buy guy's pants. The reason for this is because most girls pants don't have deep pockets and seeing as how I don't carry a purse and can't at work I want pants with deep pockets so I can carry my car keys etc. When I was about to head out she handed me her credit card and told me to "make good choices." I just sort of laughed and told her I wouldn't spend too much and I would pay her back. She then told me that was not what she meant and that she didn't need to be payed back. I just okay and walked out the door. On my way to the store I couldn't stop thinking about her comment. Then, I realized she meant she didn't want me buying guy's pants. I just chuckled in the car to myself and found a pair of girls pants that would work (although they didn't have deep pockets like I wanted). This all came to a head last weekend when I was in the bathroom doing my hair. My mom came in so we could chat. She began to prod me about growing my hair out once again. I turned and told her that I was still playing with my hair and I really liked it the way it is. She then told me that the way it is, it makes me look butch. I couldn't help but laugh. I told her that it was nothing close to butch. My hair is not faux hawked. It is not buzzed short or spiked or in any way the typical butchy hair. She told me that that is what it looked like on me and asked me to please grow it out. I told her that this was the way I liked it.

So now that I have told you the background here is my issue: why is my mom so afraid of me being butch? Every time I appear mildly dikey she freaks out. I think she is so scared that I will turn into a boy or something. I know she is still trying to come to terms with my sexuality. Very often she is over supportive which can be very awkward for me but at least she is trying. I just don;t get what is so scary about being butch. I do not consider myself to be butch. If anything I am an in between lesbian. I do not quite fit into any of the common labels in the lesbian community. I am not a lipstick lesbian for sure. I am not butch manpower by any stretch of the imagination. I am closer to femme but not quite that either. I have never been girly. I played soccer growing up. I was always outside playing in the dirt. I have my moments where I want to dress up and be as girly as I am capable of being but those are very rare. I am just me.

So why is my mom so afraid of me becoming butch? Is it because she is afraid of what people will think or does she just desperately want me to remain as girly as possible?

My Faith

I think one of my most difficult struggles is reconciling my belief in God and my sexual orientation. I know that most gays are more spiritual than Christian because it is too difficult to deal with both beliefs. But I refuse to give up the belief that I have had all of my life because society and church and religion tell me that it is wrong. I know who I am. I am a woman of contradictions but these contradictions make me who I am. The following is a thought I had recently on my faith:

Personally I would rather keep the faith I have than have no faith at all. There are days I cling to my faith, hoping that I will find a way to reconcile the two contradictions of my life. I am a sinner and to some I have no right to believe in God unless I change my ways. But the way I see it I would rather hold on than raise my kids in an unchristian home. I want the same life I had for my kids. I want them to know and love God and I know that the basis for that is my faith. I must be an example and show them how to be a good Christian. I may not fit the definition perfectly but I am a woman of many contradictions. I have always believed in God and had a strong faith. I am on my way to being a doctor, a scientist if you will, which requires me to accept the beliefs of science, many of which go against the teachings in the bible. And lastly, I am a lesbian. This last contradiction is by far the most difficult for people, including myself, to see past when it comes to believing in God. The thing that I sit here wondering is if there is a way to be both and to have both. I want to keep my faith but I also know I am gay and that will never change. I am very comfortable with who I am and I am slowly becoming more comfortable in church. I'm not sure I will ever be able to walk into a church and not think should I be here but maybe that will change in time. The feeling I hate the most is guilt. I feel guilty when I pray. After coming out and accepting myself, it took me a long time to be able to pray again. I thought it was wrong of me to pray to God when I wake up everyday willfully and knowingly sinning. I still struggle with my faith. Some days it is difficult for me to face God.

But...

There are a few things that I have come to realize that help me out.

1. I am a sinner and so is everyone else.

2. No one sin is greater than another. I am not going to a deeper level of hell because I am gay.

3. God still loves me.

Now, there are many that would quibble with me about how wrong it is to be gay and how I am an abomination in the eyes of God. Here is what I have to say to them. I am a child of God. I was made by Him and put on this Earth for a purpose. I do not want to say that God made me gay, but I do believe I was born this way. I cannot remember a time in my life when I did not have a strong faith in God and when I did not have and attraction to women. I believe both are ingrained into me. They are a part of my being, pieces of my very soul.

So here is the question I pose to you: Is there a way of reconciling being gay and a Christian?

The beginning

Hello! So I just wanted to start this out by telling you who I am and why I am writing this blog.

I am a student living in middle america, commonly referred to as the bible belt. I am on my way to a professional career. I am also a lesbian. This is perhaps the most defining aspect of my life. Otherwise, I am just an average twenty something. I'm keeping this description simple for now because as I write more will be revealed about me.

I am writing this to simply get things off my chest and possibly be heard. What young person doesn't want to be heard?I don't necessarily expect people to read this, although I hope someone does. I just want an outlet and this seemed like the best place for my thoughts. I suppose it is also possible that something I say might help someone out or at least get someone to think.